One day a blonde a brunette and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife "I think I hear something outside."
The girls heard the door openand they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said"Is there anyone there?" The brunette said"Mmmmmmmoooooo."
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said "Is there anyone there?" and the redhead said "Oink oink."
Then he went over to the potato patch and said "Is there anyone there?" and the blonde said "Potatooooo."

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says "Grandpa I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says "Grandpa you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your grandma."

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The Immigration officer looks over his shoulder and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week" into the small space labeled "SEX".

The officer explained: "No no no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Does it matter?" the tourist answered.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments not 12.

There are 12 disciples not 10.

Jesus was consecrated not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy Junior and Spook.

David slew Goliath he did not kick the **** out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the big T!

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said
"Take this and eat it for it is my body" he did not say "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub thanks for the grub yeah God."

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates

A California highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the congested freeway. Glancing at the car the officer was astounded to see that the beautiful blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Conceding that the blonde woman was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper calmly cranked down his car window turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO" the blonde yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!"