Betsy and Wilma were having tea and Wilma was going on and on about her relationship problems with her husband.
Betsy asks "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

Wilma snaps a response - "What I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

Being a good husband,even though our marriage is a joke, I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak rare please."
He said "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

Marriage can be a joke. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed
"He's my old boyfriend,.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

Just like our marriage, our lawn mower broke. The damn thing wouldn't run and my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day I found my wife seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute and
when I came out again I handed my wife a toothbrush. I said "When you finish cutting the grass you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp. At least it was a funny wife joke

Saturday morning I got up early quietly dressed made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a
different anticipation and whispered "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

Why do women live longer than men?

Because Shopping never causes heart attacksbut paying the bill does!